Welcome back, suckaz! It's been a long winter, lads - I've spent the last 5 months drinking Labatt 50 all day and watching back episodes of Pet Court on Fox, which means I'm good n' ready for some alternative stimulation.

Word has it that some of you pussies wanna piece of me, and that you've been whining about being able to respond to my wit… Hear that? That's me kissing my teeth so loud I just cracked the rear windshield of your shitty turquoise '93 Chevy Cavalier… But hey - I'm game. If you want to step in the ring with the dragon, no sweat - just have yer pillow ready for some soft-crying-into after I singe the hair off your junk about 3 seconds after you step up. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout… You can reach me at splinters@rogers.com. You can also drop me a line at: Mailbox_for_whiney_little_girly_men_who_have_nothing_better_to_do_than_splash_tears_on_their_keyboards
_and_blubber_about_splinters@youhavenolife.com
. Worthy posts and commentaries will be shared via the website in my column.

On to real business… To kick off 2002, I present to you the annual Splinters Awards, where I recognize some of the more unique accomplishments of players and teams from the previous season. Kind of like the Oscars for roller hockey -except mine don't suck, and you won't have to put up with Julia Roberts' 6-foot "Hi, I'm Mr. Ed" grin splashed all over the place. They're fun, and special, and if you had nuts and chocolate sauce, they'd be the best effin' sundae you ever had. Enjoy, wickerheads.


Team Reps of the Year

Dan Ewing, Primetime Playas
Garrick MacIntosh, Weapon X

 

These guys were like that really good waiter you had once, who made sure your steak was done just right, didn't tell any annoying jokes, bitch about the Leafs or the weather, or look down your date's top when he thinks you're not looking, and throws in a free coffee or dessert 'cuz he knows what it's all about. These lads were good for the teams they helped organize, and didn't whine all that much. Keep it up boys, and you might just stay off of my radar. But don't count on it…
Ironman Award - Steve Luceno, Goaltender


In a sport where goaltenders are hard to come by ("Whaaaanh! It's sooooo hot! Boohoohoohoo!!!") Steve helped bail many teams out, appearing in a total of 43 regular season games - and managed to win the Goalie MVP title for both the B and C division to boot. That figure represents 35% of ALL games played in GTI for the 2001 season. What's even more amazing is the fact that he was able to drag his girlfriend out to more than half of these games. That's one long, hot sweaty summer, my man. But hey - if that's her thing, you go dog…

Special mention - Patrick Herman, Team Ironhead (goalie) - The most dependable player by far on his team, Patrick made the commitment this year, despite living in Kitchener for the entire season - which constituted an hour and a half commute to the rink and back each game. No girls ever came with him though.


Misguided Aggression award

The Rockets

Temper tantrums, verbal abuse, wacking of sticks… Grow the 'eff up. If Darcy Tucker can turn his game around, you can too.

Best new Team

The Primetime Playas

Where'd these guys come from?! The only thing I'd change about these guys is their team name. Yeah, no kidding…

Shell Shock Award

- Maurice Cristello, The Enforcers
- Dino Garofalo, RAT Machine
- Valerio Papa, Vaughan Thunder

 

These 3 goalies each faced 434, 422, and 421 shots respectively in just 14 games - an average of over 30 shots a game (remember - they're 34 minute games, NOT 60). Ouch.

 


"Serenity Now" Award

Jay Davidson, The Smoke
Despite having a surprisingly pleasant off-court disposition, and pre-season promises to clean up his act, this perennial "who, me?" penalty king managed to rack up 64 minutes in PIMs in 13 games played. One word, Jay - Ritalin…

Captain Clutch Award

Dave Fotheringham, Red Wings
5 game winning goals in 14 games - how much more reliable can you get? Still, maybe you should have saved a couple of those for the playoffs Dave! Oooh, that hurts…


The Tenacious D Award

Primetime Playas & The Rollers

These guys only allowed 56 and 44 goals against respectively, and also led the league in Penalty killing with 80% and 81% efficiency. Not bad.

The Marginal Capitalization Award

The Enforcers
Deadly on the power play, scoring almost 50% of the time (.474). Unfortunately, that's about all that went right for these guys.

Go Go Power Rangers Award

Dave Brown, Crazed Baboons
Big Davey Bee shnagged 8 power play goals to lead the league this year. When asked to comment, Brown replied, "Please don't call me Davey Bee."

One-Man-Show Award

Scott Tew, Ironheads


With his patented between-my-legs-then-over-your-shoulder flip shot that sent many a 'tender back to the dressing room for a spare pair of underwear, Scott managed to pot a league-leading 5 shorthanded goals this season - one of which came when the lads were down two men. Word has it that Scott tried this same move in ice hockey over the winter, and got peanut-buttered against the backboards by some guy from northern Quebec with a mullet and no front teeth…

Special mention to Tony "Special K" Kritsonis of the Rollers, who netted a second-best 4 shorties.


"It's Having Fun that Really Matters, Right?" Award

Gang Green

The GG's went undefeated in the Loss column this year - but still managed to get a hardcore squad out to each and every game, despite their record. This is nice to see, considering how many lazy-asses there are out there with less dedication though they're on better teams. Punks.

The "Back to the Drawing Board" Award

Team Thunder
After winning B division last year, these over-confident gents moved up to A division. Yikes… Still, give them credit for anticipating potential problems and proactively changing their name in the off-season, so as 2001's results wouldn't be associated with the B champs from the year before. Still - you know who you are - and so do we.

The "Surprised the Hell out of Us" Award

The Celestial Panthers



C division champions in 2000, these guys were forced to face off against many power house B teams as a result of the merger in 2001 - and managed to finish 6th in B division rankings. They went on to scare the shit out of the eventual B division champions The Smoke in the opening round of the playoffs, almost upsetting them. Watch these guys in 2002…

 

 

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