Well, well, well... nice to see those mouth-breathers at Head Office (a.k.a. GTI Management) were finally able to close the deal on a floor. Great job, guys - it only took you about 8 bajillion years... Anyway, now that we're back at NYC with a floor, I'm quivering with excitement in anticipation of what the Whine Squad will find to bitch about next. Word has it that these rocket scientists have been bombarding the e-waves with requests - sit down for this one - for the arena to install air conditioning for them. No problem, lads. Just sign here saying you're willing to pay $8000 per player per season to play, and you can have all the A/C you like. And maybe we'll throw in a couple of porters who can tie your skates up for you and scrub your junk in the shower after each game... Boneheads.

Your girlfriend's hot, and she wants me.

It never ceases to amaze me at how you steaming pimply testosterone bags are able to snag such fine booty, much less get them to the rink to watch you ankle burn, lose pucks, and scream at refs for an hour or so. Well laydeez, your soon-to-be wife-beater boyfriends may be neglecting you, but the Splint man is here for all your needs. While they're spraying spittle on eachother in the parking lot talking over the play-by-play ("Yo, Nooch - diju see dat shot? eh? EH? I five-holed that suckah, eh? Yeah, smoked 'is ass!"), why not loosen up for old Splinty in front of the camera? This year I'm puttin' together my own special calendar, "Girls of GTI." I'll have my crack squad ("hey, did he just say 'crack?'") roving the rinks this summer looking for some fine volunteers to pose for the camera and be immortalized forever on screen. And here's the best part - all laydeez who participate will be entered to win some free GTI Swag - which you know she ain't gonna want, and is gonna end up giving to you. So relax, loosen up, and let her work her thang for the camera, okay? Stay tuned for my updates for the latest contestants...

If you're girlfriend is wondering how she might want to look in preparation for her calendar debut, I've included some basic guidelines.

Flattery - the best compliment...

Now, you all know me, and how I never like to talk smack about anyone. But I can't help but notice the goin's on at our old temporary digs (The Rink From Last Year). Seems at that particular arena, a bunch of guys were so impressed with the job that GTI did last year that they decided they were gonna cut us out and try to run their own adult league. After all - we only booked about 20 hours a week over 17 weeks last year - it wasn't like we were the major source of revenue for the rink or anything like that. Anyway, its a free country, and I'm all for enterprise, competition, yadayadayada... So they sat around one day and thought, "hmmm... how can we get all those players to come to our league?" Then it dawned on them - "let's see what GTI offers, and we'll just TELL everyone we offer it too!" Only problem is, the guys at GTI know what the eff they're doing, 'cuz they've been doing it since back when most of you guys were still a grope in the back seat of your old man's Pontiac Parisienne. What is truly amazing is that they not only plan to offer all of these wonderful services, they're gonna streamline the operation and run the entire league in two months - not four, like GTI's mickey mouse set-up. Needless to say, I am very excited about this new league, and what they bring to the world of roller hockey. Sure, maybe they'll have some bugs, and misrepresent a thing or two here and there - but guys will understand, won't they? Besides, there's so many thousands of people playing in Toronto that pissing off a few guys here and there won't have any negative impact on the sport at large, right? God knows how we have to turn players away each year...

Joke

Q. What do you say to a guy who talks big about hockey who's actual main job is to sharpen skates all day? (You know who you are)

A. "Hey - could I get a roll of tape with that as well?"

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