Inline hockey's moniker of being the so-called "fastest growing sport" has become the mantra of the mindless. While the optimists maintain their chants, I still don't see any roller hockey players on network television surrounded by bikini-clad cheerleaders with beer logos across their ta-tas. Alternatively, Toronto has embraced professional Soccer and Lacrosse. And as of April 2001, include Arena Football into that mix. Meanwhile, we've had 3 "pro" roller hockey teams come and go in Toronto (not only because the teams flopped, but so did the leagues they played for). Is it the sport? No way, man. You drop anything in the middle of a town with the potential market reach of Toronto (5 million plus, from Hamilton to Oshawa), market it effectively, and run it soundly, and you'll have people lined up for everything from sheep shearing contests to Russian poetry reading. And this is just one of the many areas where Roller Hockey ain't where it should be. Why? Well, let's start with the fact that the sport is glutted with shady opportunists, pie-eyed half-wits, and less-than-credible operators. And trust me, there's a fair bit of overlap over these categories.

"O.K., wise-ass - what's your point?"

Right now, there's a whole wack of information and commentary on the 'net about roller hockey. Problem is, everybody's so busy not stepping on each other's toes that they're all pussy-footin' around the real issues like a herd of ballerinas in dog park. The time has come for some real, no holds barred commentary, from someone really bitter, cynical, and sarcastic. Please - allow me to introduce myself...

Of course, the topics that'll be covered in the next billion or so reports may strike you as being completely meaningless. And for the most part, you're probably right. But hey, if everything we did had meaning, we wouldn't do much more than eat, sleep, get lucky, and watch hockey. Besides - spending 10 minutes reading my rant beats pullin' your pud in some chat room trading sexual innuendo with some sweaty, overweight agoraphobic (look it up). Plus, I'm an arrogant bastard, which is always entertaining. Life's too short to be open-minded and polite; if that's what you're looking for, then go do something else ("oh look sweetie - they're featuring Michael Bolton on tonight's A&E Biography!"). But if you're ready for some truth, then stick with the program - I won't disappoint.

My Pa used to always say: "If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and flies like a duck - then stop looking at it and shoot it already, or it's ketchup sandwiches again!" Well brothers and sisters, there's a lotta ducks out their that need shootin' - and I'm cocked and loaded. So get on the wagon, or get lost.

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